


Another love

by Morethancupcake



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Insecure Dean, Jealous Dean, M/M, Past Balthazar/Castiel, Pining Dean, Widowed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 09:37:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7752493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morethancupcake/pseuds/Morethancupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean remembers watching them from afar. Sometimes it's hard, for him, to still see Balthazar's shadow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Another love

**Author's Note:**

> From a lovely prompt I got on tumblr : "i was wondering if you could write a destiel story with insecure!dean? :) something like dean and cas getting together after balthazar leaves Cas and Dean feeling anxious because Cas never really 'choose' him over balthazar and if Cas just settled for the only available person"
> 
> I am way too in love with Cas and Balthazar together to make it really ugly, I'm sorry. 
> 
> Quick warning here : Balthazar is around nineteen in this story, and he kisses Cas who is sixteen. Nothing else happens. They meet when Cas is fourteen, he is still a baby, Balthazar doesn't fancy him NOTHING HAPPENS. But if this makes you in any way uncomfortable, maybe you should skip this story.
> 
> I am posting this with little to no editing, since I'm catching a plane tomorrow. Please don't yell at me for the typos. I know.

Dean moves in on Monday.

It's not really a big deal, he doesn't want to stop and think too hard. Castiel smile had been small but hopeful, and Dean had just been too happy to really think about what it meant for them.

The old Winchester house was too old, too difficult to manage alone. To full of bad memories. 

Dean sells it to a young couple ready to start their own family, ready to bring down some walls, to paint and erase traces of a life long gone. He seels everything, really, he doesn't want to keep them, the old furnitures, the boxes full of John's stuff in the attic. Bobby offers to help, and he gladly accepts. Then with everything he needs packed in the Impala, he drives to Cas' home.

His new home.

 

Dean isn't sure, what exactly made him fall for Castiel. Sometimes, he even thinks it was fate, all along. He remembers five years old Cas' giggles when he would sleep in Dean's bed, and how he would shamelessly ask for kisses, because Dean has been his favorite. He remembers holding Cas' hand walking to school, and making sure he had his snack in his little backpack. He remembers the summer spent trying to catch tadpoles and eating sandwiches under their little tent.

Cas had always been a part of him.

 

He remember Cas' eyes, always focused on him, always searching for him in the crowd. He remember Cas' hand in his, all these years, until one day Dean had stopped him, jerking his hand away.

Dean wonders, sometimes.

Of course, he had met Cassie, and Lisa. He doesn't regret them, not really. 

But he regrets the sad and puzzled look on Cas' face when Dean had declared his room off limit one day. He regrets his mocking tone at Cas' plea.

"But Dean you have to tell me a story, and we have to sleep together... It's ... It's my birthday ?"

He had tried to laugh at Cas' tears, at his betrayed look. He remembers playing video games with Sam and hearing Castiel take his backpack and leave. He remembers Gabriel's voice, annoyed at first, and then worried. He remembers Mary's disappointed look at the cake left untouched in the kitchen, Castiel back to his own home.

It's not a happy memory, it's not. He knows, he knows he broke Cas' heart that night.

Dean just wasn't ready for what he was feeling for a boy. For a baby, really. For Cas, the little kid who would sleep on his back on their way to the lake.

 

He wasn't ready for Balthazar Roche in their life.

 

Balthazar had been a friend of Michael, at first. 

Dean remembers them, smoking under the trees. He remembers a tall, blond guy, good looking. Smart. He remembers the way his eyes would turn soft, for Cas. The way he would always keep him close, the way he would shield him from the world.

He remembers Michael amused voice :

"My baby brother is fourteen, Baz. Fourteen."

"It's not like that." Balthazar had a hint of an accent. Sometimes, especially at night, Dean could hear it. 

"You tell me you didn't nap on the floor just to hold his hand ?"

"I'm telling you it's not like that. It's not !"

"Baz." Michael Novak was tall too, and strong. Dean knew not to mess around with the Novak boys. 

"Mike."

"All I'm saying..." Michael had sounded amused, and almost defeated. "All I'm saying is, he already had his heart broken. He's too fucking young to be one of your..."

"He'll never be." Baz had sounded so sure. Unwavering.

 

Dean remembers Balthazar. He remembers his tall silhouette at Cas' windows, petting a guinea pig. He remembers him in the car, laughing with Gabriel and Michael. He remembers him back with Michael for holidays.

He remembers watching it all from afar, the way slowly, Cas had started to look at him the way he used to look at Dean, before.

 

Castiel is still working, when he arrives home. He puts his stuff in the garage, because he doesn't want to deal with it, and he goes in search of dinner, waiting for him in a plate in the microwave. 

The house is peaceful, smelling like Cas, and home.

They are almost ready to sleep when Cas asks about his silence.

 

"I was thinking about your old house." he says. "About spying on Michael under the trees."

Castiel laughs a little. "Oh, yeah. When he was pretending not to smoke, and we would pretend not to know."

"Yeah. Exactly." Deam smiles, because it wasn't all bad, after all. When he was in the garden, pretending not to spy, Mary would be in the kitchen, pretending not to see him. It had been good. "I was just thinking about how it's gone. I was the last, you know. Everyone left, really."

"Yes." Cas runs a hand through Dean's hair, and it makes him want to purr. "But think about it, new kids are going to sneak out of their house to smoke, and other kids will spy on them."

"I guess." A small silence. "Do you miss it ?" Cas smiles and he feels bold enough to ask. "Do you miss it, sometimes, the days when we were all living over there ?"

"Of course." His eyes are a little glassy. "I had my first kiss under those trees, after all. I broke my arm in the little dirt path running after Sam..."

"You had your first kiss ...?" Castiel blushes and nods. "Tell me ? "

"Balthazar." 

And Dean feels stupid, because obviously. Castiel never had girls following him into the woods. He never lied to his mom about studying. Hell, Dean had taugh him what parking meant few months ago.

"I was sixteen. It was my birthday." Cas blushes even more, it shouldn't be so endearing on a grown-up man, but it is. "I was so infatuated, he was so... I don't know. We were walking with my brothers, and he kept me behind, hidden by the trees." Cas shakes his head, eyes obviously lost into the memory. "I was so sure Michael was going to kill us, but he looked... almost at peace with it. I mean, not that Baz and I were allowed to do more than hold hands, but... Yeah. I will miss this place."

"I used to spend your birthdays with you before." Dean doesn't know why he brings it back. "We used to sleep in my bed, and I would read to you."

"Yes I remember." Castiel still looks sad, years after. "You stopped when I turned thirteen, when you started to date your girlfriend."

"Yeah. I was an asshole, back then."

"You were my idol." Castiel takes his hand in his. "I was so heartbroken, I slept in Gabriel's bed. He read me the story."

"I'm sorry, Cas." Dean plays with their fingers. "Do you think about how it could've been ? You think things could've been different, between us ?"

"Not really ?" Cas smiles again, it's soft. He's exhausted, Dean realizes, and he feels like an idiot for keeping him awake so late. "I mean, you were my idol, but I was still so young. You were ready to date, and I was still pretty much a child."

"But Baz happened ?"

"Baz was my best friend." Cas lets his eyes go to the ceiling. Dean knows this wasn't their room. He knows Balthazar and Cas never slept into this particular bed, in this particular room, but it had been his home, too. "He would hold my hand and read next to me. He would ask about me, and write me letters. The first time I realized I was gay, he drove all the way to our house and held me while I told my brothers." Cas watches him and reaches for his hand, kissing his knucles. "I was very lucky to have him. The same way I had been lucky to have you."

 

Dean asks one night, after a fight. Cas is still angry, his eyes burning, when Dean finally whispers. He's tired, and scared, and he know picking a fight about Benny was easy than dealing with the reall problem.

"If Balthazar was still alive, I wouldn't even be there." Castiel looks so hurt, Dean wants to take it back, he wants to apologize. But at the same time, it feels so good to finally say it. "You love him so much, if he was still here, you wouldn't even look at me Cas. Admit it."

Castiel cries in his hand, like a little kid. His shoulders shake with every sob, and Dean drags him to his arms because he's sorry, he's so fucking sorry.

 

Dean is painting is new office, when his boyfriend enters. The room had been a spare bedroom, and Cas had offered it right away. Dean still isn't sure if he really needs an office, but it's good to feel like the house is his, too, like he matters.

"You were right." Cas' eyes are studing the new paint. "I don't know if that makes me a monster, but if Baz was still alive, you and I would not be living together today."

"I know." He keeps working, because it helps him, it keeps him grounded. "I know, and I'm sorry I said that. It was cruel."

"It was." Cas is looking at him, he can feel it. "I never thought I would lose my husband, Dean."

"I know."

"But in everything that happened. In all the horror after, you were an amazing friend. And I'm sorry... I'm sorry I didn't share your feelings, before. I'm sorry you had to deal with them alone. But I am glad I fell in love with you. I don't regret falling in love with you."

"Balthazar was an amazing guy. Sometimes... it's hard."

"You are an amazing man too. You two have very little in common, I can't..." Cas shakes his head. " I can't really compare the two of you. It's two different part of my life."

"I'm really sorry, Cas."

"I'm sorry, Dean."

 

Castiel still wears some of his clothes, sometimes. Dean knows not to use the black and while mug, and he knows not to ask about the pink peonies. 

 

"We should go to the lake, tomorrow." Castiel looks at him, frowning, and Dean gathers his courage. "We should go to the lake, and stop in our old neighborood. We could walk into the woods, and have a pic nic, maybe ?"

"Tomorrow ?"

"We could go to his grave, if you want ? But you said he loved the woods, and the trees, so..."

"It's a wonderful idea." Cas' kiss taste like tea. "It's a wonderful idea."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very mch for reading :) Please don't hesitate to come say hi on tumblr !
> 
> http://iwanttopizzamanyou.tumblr.com/post/148852028209/another-love
> 
> Comments and Kudos make me really happy :)
> 
> Please remember to drink enough to avoid headaches ! Stretch a little and remember to have a snack :)


End file.
